When you’re living with depression and anxiety even the small stuff seems big.
Most people who do life with me know I’m continually searching for my glasses when I need to read something any smaller than a freeway exit sign. In fact my glasses are so necessary for reading and doing other things like tweezering my “old lady” hairs from my chin, that I have 6 pairs all with the same prescription and frame. They’re randomly scattered throughout the house so that no matter where I am, I can read something if I need to and look the same whilst doing it!
If you asked me about some of my personal traits, as much as I might like to think otherwise, I’m bold, gregarious, loud and hilarious! I’m a natural risk taker and I have an overinflated opinion of my own intelligence. But, that’s enough about me!
It’s common for other’s to think that depressed and anxious people are shy and avoid ‘social’ behaviors but that’s not always true. It’s one of the things I struggle with daily. I believe that to “prove” I’m depressed and anxious I must exhibit the generic depression and anxiety symptoms that others would expect. When in fact, most of the time I’m naturally loud and the more stressed I am, the louder and funnier I become.
There’s possibly a chemical explanation for my body’s need to generate as many “feel good” chemicals as it can. So I inadvertently work to produce them by creating situations and events that provide the stimulus I need.
It’s not until I’m alone that I begin to replay every word I spoke, every look I received and every conversation I had in an attempt to fit together the pieces of who I am – really. It’s only when my body has run out of energy that the structure collapses and the façade crumbles.
So last night when Mr Me jumped into bed before I’d put down my Kindle and removed my glasses, he was most surprised to hear me exclaim, “you’re big”! Then I took my glasses off, put my nose to his and relaxed into his arms for the comfort I know they provide. It’s the one place where there are no problems, no pressure, no condemnation. The place where being me is perfectly acceptable; even to me.
Finding a place like this can be more difficult than it seems. Because when you live with depression and anxiety everyone is your enemy. Even yourself. Why else would your body so despise itself, it would create a chemical cocktail that’s only purpose is to encourage death? But I’m sorry; I digress.
In Mr Me’s eyes I am the only thing that matters. So last night when I told him that my only desire in life was to make him proud of me I felt his arms squeeze that little bit tighter. His nose press a little harder. And the world become a little safer.
Happy anniversary hunny. I love you.
Today from Lao Tzu – “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
Deb Shugg is an awarded business woman, wife & mother, author and a sufferer of depression and anxiety.
If you need help to deal with your symptoms see your doctor. If you need to talk to someone NOW call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
(Abuse of another person is NEVER okay. If you are being abused or, if you are an abuser please seek help.)